Welcome {back}

Hello there.  It's been quite a while since I've sat in front of a screen such as this, grabbed a pin to prick my heart, and let my words bleed through my fingertips.  And it feels so *good*.  My sweet sister in law likened my blog-sence to being all caught up on your DVR and having no new episodes in the queue.  As someone who has stayed up wa-ay too late catching 'just one more' episode of Don Draper and Frank Underwood on Netflix curled up next to my hubby, I can relate.

It's kind of humbling to hear that someone besides your mom misses your words.  My words.  Because, really, my words aren't all that special.  I just happen to put them out there...and LOTS of them...for people to read or to hear.  Which opens up the door for people to judge.  Oh, and that can be scary.  Vulnerability is quite a nasty beast, isn't it?  But, some good news though.  Brene Brown writes that vulnerability is not weakness; that it's the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change {emphasis added by me}.

And that's what this whole journey is about.  Change.  The past two years of life have been right up there hovering alongside some pretty negative words.  The lows have far outweighed the highs; and the battles have been ugly and hurtful and have had life-changing impacts.  But still we stand.  But still, I rise.  And yes.  I borrowed that line from Katy Perry's song/Olympics theme song.  Because, really.  If listening to that and watching those well placed images in the video doesn't give you all the feels, I'm not sure what will.  But I digress.

I rise.

There's a new season of life brewing here in hot and humid and melty Houston, Texas.  Literally.  Just yesterday, courtesy of a well-loved Melissa & Doug chalkboard, a few props, and a gaggle of quasi-cooperative children; I doused on a healthy amount of bug repellent {because, zika}, and filed everyone outside to make an announcement.

in honor of back to school month, Gavin and Brynn thought it best to school Raegan on how to be a big sister!

Surprise!  Baby Conley 4 making his/her arrival {no, we aren't finding out the gender} in February 2017!  Surprise, indeed.  After what seemed like a really typical, basic checkup on my 35th birthday, my doctor knocked on the door as I was gathering my things to head back out into the heat.  A knock that literally knocked me back down to a seated position while I stared incredulously at two little lines that were more like two giant exclamation points nestled somewhere amidst a slew of little obscenities and sweat tears and plaster-faced smiles.  Intersperse the excited congratulatory tones of the entire office staff and dazed stars encircling my head as I cautiously stepped one foot in front of the other to have my blood drawn and I could relate totally to what Wile E. Coyote felt when those ACME anvils fell on his head from impossible heights after his efforts to capture the Roadrunner went awry.

See, this wasn't part of any of those lovely little 'plans' we have secured up inside of our hearts and minds when we begin stepping through our journey of life.  I mean, you'd think we would all get a true hang of this whole 'God's plan > my plan' thing after the first half dozen or so curve balls whiz past our home plate.  We find ourselves either swinging for the fences and missing completely, or standing frozen.  Wide-eyed and amazed by the way in which we were blind-sided.

But no.  We humans, we like to think we've got a pretty decent grip on things.  Or at least a grip on how we think things should be; even if for the temporary, things aren't quite *there*.  We like to hand God our agenda, our vision board, our hopes and wishes; and, with enough 'good behavior', our Holy Roulette wheel will land right on 27 red--the *exact* place where we laid all of our chips!  Hallelujah, right?

Oh, ye of little faith.

God doesn't give one iota of that adorable little agenda is!  We all know this...but yet we still try.

Did my agenda include a pregnancy shortly after accepting a position to teach part time at a preschool?  Did it include a pregnancy after signing on and investing a significant amount of money to begin working as a clothing stylist for cabi?  Did it include a pregnancy after having 5 challenging *amazing* years of discovering and learning and adjusting and parenting a kiddo like Raegan--our WONDERFUL blessing who is strong and stubborn and independent and confident {the likes of which make raising her occasionally endlessly exhausting?

And, perhaps the scariest, most vulnerable one of all...did my agenda for God include pregnancy news just four days after the heartbreaking realization that my marriage was headed for divorce?

Oh, God.  Your funny ways.  Your glorious plans.  Your generous and abundant blessings.  Sometimes more often than not, Your ways seem to be the very cause of us standing at home plate, dazed and confused by the curve ball.  We swing and miss, we stare quizzically, we feel duped and surprised.  Every.single.time.

So this surprise is no different.  The anvil fell and the stars settled and just like Wile E. Coyote, I'm ready for the next adventure.  And I hope you'll come along with me us.  Because I love the way vulnerability works.  How it begets vulnerability; how it makes others realize it's completely okay--safe and welcome in fact--to share our ish.  To look at each other with eyes that say, "me, too", instead of eyes that judge and disgrace and segregate.

That's what I want for growing FOURward.  I want it to be about growing my family, but also building my marriage, and growing my faith.  I want it to be about stories that stir, that enlighten, encourage, inspire, break down those walls that fear has built; and make it okay to be broken.  Because in order to be a glow stick, you've first got to break.

growing FOURward is a journey through a wiser, more seasoned, better focused, more transparent, less burdened time in our lives.  We have spent a decade plus living in the flotsam of love.  But now, we've hit currents that changed our course, fire coral that has pierced our hearts, riptides that have tumbled us hard and fast into the surf, tidal waves that have drained and then flooded, and shark attacks that have disfigured.  And yet here we are.  Our sailboat is righted, albeit a bit worse for wear; but we're all accounted for, we're adjusting our sails, and setting out for sea with an extra life preserver on board.

Both Matthew and Mark give accounts of Jesus calming the seas during a terrible and furious storm.  The Lord himself, amidst the disarray and chaos of this frightening squall, was sleeping.  Sleeping!  Oh to have the calm of heart such as this!  And when awoken by His nervous, panicked disciples, the Lord simply got up and rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet!  Be still!". AND THEY LISTENED.  {Matthew 8:23-27, Mark 4:35-41}  Oh, sweet heaven, if only child-rearing were so simplistic.

It's no coincidence that one of the Psalms I have displayed in our living room is 46:10.  Be still and know that I am God.  While 'still' is a commonly used word in the household of our sensory sweetie; it is also one that is incredibly difficult to witness.  So maybe that's the goal.  To not just be a 'witness' noun; a person who sees an event, but to actually 'witness' verb; give or serve as evidence of, testify to.  I want to exemplify still and know.

And with that, I welcome you {and me}.  For me, and some of my readers, it's a welcome back.  But this welcome is a different one.  It's a welcome into a world of what Brene Brown described as a beautiful byproduct of vulnerability.  Change.  It's a welcome into a place where we can all feel that amazing transformation when we choose to be still and know; but not without action.  It's a step into vulnerability.  It's the bravery to wake the sleeping Lord {because, lesbehonest, he isn't sleeping!}, to express our fear, to allow Him to calm us and to allow Him to grow us.  {or grow new people.  *wink*}

Welcome. {back}